


Disenchanted

by fuenciado



Category: Of Mice & Men (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 08:19:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1259422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuenciado/pseuds/fuenciado
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the roar of the crowd,<br/>That gave me heartache to sing.<br/>It was a lie when they smiled,<br/>And said, “you won’t feel a thing”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disenchanted

It was the nerves of the day, that’s what he told everyone. They were in Germany, it was a massive show, everyone was stoked, and his nerves just overwhelmed him, to the point of not thinking straight. He loved his best friend, so he gave him a smooch. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, yet, it turned out to be just that.

He was never gay, he had never had feelings for another guy. Sure, him and Alan were closer than anyone else in the band, but that’s just because they were best friends, right? Of course, Austin never had anything against gay people, he considered himself to have a pretty open mind about that sort of thing. But the emotions he realized he felt towards Alan, his  _best friend_ , he wasn’t okay with those.

He found the scrawny ginger boy to be taking up his every thought, ever since that slip-up on stage. It wasn’t that bad when he wasn’t around, because then the guilt didn’t come with the thoughts. But the guilt paired with the thoughts, that’s what killed him. Alan was his  _best friend_ , but all he could think about was pressing their lips together again, tasting Alan’s lips against his, running his hands through Alan’s hair. He found himself unable to stop his eyes from grazing Alan’s figure, unable to be around the other boy without the urge to pull him close.

It wasn’t just the urges to touch him though. He found himself simply wanting to be around the other boy — to hear him talk and laugh and see him smile. He found himself thinking about a future with Alan, one where they’d live together and Austin would cook meals for Alan and they’d sit down for supper together every night, one where Austin had his arms around Alan every night as he fell asleep, one where they were settled down and they were we not just two individuals.

He hated it. He hated how Alan was taking over his mind and he could do nothing about it. He hated how he couldn’t control his emotions and he started avoiding the other boy, ducking out of social events, avoiding him after shows and refusing the other come into his bunk and other things that they would normally do together. He hated that he had to do this, but it was necessary, he  _had_  to get over Alan. It just wasn’t an option to live with this  _crush_  on his bandmate. It was unacceptable.

Alan though, well, Austin hadn’t even considered how his actions would affect the other boy. He hadn’t even considered that Alan could possibly feel the same, or even the fact Alan needed his best friend, just in general. Alan was hurt by Austin’s actions — the way he avoided the ginger boy at all costs, the way he seemed to pull away whenever they were forced to be together, the way his eyes seemed to avoid Alan and the way his actions made it seem like he detested Alan.

Alan needed his best friend, because he loved him, and was  _in love_  with him, and he didn’t care how he had his best friend because god knows he had been in love with Austin since they were scraggy teenagers, sneaking out not to party but to simply hang out, spending late nights talking to each other and fooling around. God knows he’d been dealing with his feelings for the taller male for far too long to remember, suppressing them because he needed a  _best friend_  far more than he needed a _boyfriend_  and god knows what would happen if he ever admitted to his feelings to his best friend.

But now his best friend was leaving him, for no apparent reason, and he wanted to tear out his hair, he wanted to scream and get angry and break down in tears because for years they were  _perfect_. For years, they were fine, Alan and Austin were best friends, Alan may have felt a bit more than the other boy but that was always okay because he never showed it (any more than socially was acceptable) and it was  _fine_. It was  _okay_. They had always been that way.

But now, now Alan was searching for a reason, his mind harassing himself, blaming himself for being the reason Austin was pulling away, coming up with any reason that could possibly blame himself for Austin’s behaviour.  _He realized I like him. He realized how stupid I am. He realized what a horrible friend I am, he realized I’m no good for him._ Any reason his mind could come up with only brought him further down. He was angry, angry at himself, and he was sad, so sad, that he was losing his best friend. It wasn’t fair.

Eventually, after telling his mind to just  _shut the fuck up_  one too many times, he decided to confront Austin. He decided that enough was enough. He didn’t care if Austin told him he hated him, told him to never speak to him again. He didn’t care if he’d be kicked out of the band or anything, he just needed a reason, a reason for this behaviour, a reason for the misery Austin was causing him.

So, he cornered him. Austin tried to make an excuse to leave, but god be damned if Alan let him get away again. He needed to know what this was, needed to know why the fuck his  _best friend_  had turned into a stranger who rarely said a word to him anymore, much less made eye contact with the boy. He wanted to sound confrontational, wanted his tone to be of confidence and strong, to force an answer out of Austin, but when he opened his mouth, his words came out more as a plea, a plea for Austin to explain himself, a plea for Austin to have some logical reason and a plea for Austin to  _please please not hate him._

But Austin sat in silence. He didn’t offer Alan the comfort he seeked in an answer. He simply looked down, upset with himself, because, no, he didn’t consider Alan’s emotions. He didn’t consider how he’d hurt his best friend, he only considered how he couldn’t have these feelings for his best friend. “I’m sorry,” were the words that broke their silence, Alan staring at Austin hoping and praying for a reply and not just silence like he’d been dealing with.

“Why?” Alan asked, and Austin knew he wasn’t asking why he was sorry. He was asking why he was pulling away. But Austin didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do, because he couldn’t tell Alan, he couldn’t ruin what had been a perfectly good thing. It was all his fault, and he couldn’t be responsible for breaking them apart more.

“I — had to get over some things,” Austin carefully constructed his response, keeping it vague enough that Alan could think whatever he pleased about it. “But… it’s okay now,” and it really wasn’t, because he still had these feelings for Alan, and now that he was actually speaking to Alan, he realized that, despite having feelings for the other boy which he had no control over, he missed being able to talk to Alan, and sit with him and be his friend. He missed his friendship with Alan and he missed the other boy’s closeness to him and he missed Alan but he wanted Alan and it was a horrible combination because to deal with his feelings he couldn’t be with Alan but — Austin’s racing mind was cut short by Alan’s voice again.

“I know that expression, that’s when you’re thinking too hard,” he said, having taken a seat beside Austin, body turned towards the other boy. “It’s okay Austin,” he comforted, though he still really hated himself because he wasn’t good enough for Austin to talk to now apparently. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Austin simply shook his head, because he  _couldn’t_  talk to Alan, because Alan was the problem. Okay, not Alan, but his  _feelings_  for Alan. “I just needed to get away from everyone,” he claimed, though that was complete lies, because he only needed to avoid Alan. But now that would be impossible, because he couldn’t upset Alan, because that was a horrible thing to do and he had no reason to be upset with Alan, only to be upset with himself.

“You could have talked to me about it,” Alan replied, though he didn’t push Austin further, because he knew Austin would tell him why he needed to get away if he wanted to (and if he didn’t want to, well, Alan’s prodding would get him nowhere, he knew). “But uh… if it’s okay… does that mean we’re good?” Alan asked, hopeful. Austin shrugged, which Alan took as a good enough yes. “I uh, I’m sorry, if I did anything,” Alan mumbled, self-blame still not fully out of his head.

—-

Austin and Alan ended up cuddled together in Austin’s bunk, as per old times (though Austin felt guilty for his thoughts about the other boy), just in silence, Alan content to be close to Austin again, content to know his best friend wasn’t mad at him. Alan pressed a kiss to the back of Austin’s neck without thinking, his happiness that everything was alright with his best friend clouding his better judgement. When he realized what he’d done, it was too late, and Alan was already scared again, because how would he even explain himself? But he didn’t have to, because Austin did it for him. Austin snapped and did it for him.

He turned over in his bunk, to face the younger boy, feeling guilty as hell. He really shouldn’t be doing this but he felt horrible not telling Alan and he just wanted to be honest with the other boy because he deserved that, and quite honestly, when he thought about it clearly, he doubted the other boy would even care, because he was always so carefree in his actions and though he didn’t realize what they did to Austin — like kissing his neck or grabbing his hand — he didn’t think he’d be too worried. In that moment of clarity, realization that Alan would laugh it off and not really care, he admitted how he’d been feeling towards Alan for the past while, owning up, and all Alan could do while Austin rushed out his explanation in whispers and far too many apologies was smile.

Alan shut Austin up rather easily though, also answering Austin’s unasked question in his confession, with their lips pressed together, before whispering “Shut up,” (followed by an “I get it,” when Austin glared at him) and simply pulling the other boy closer, because despite all the worry he’d endured and the fear he was losing his best friend, he wasn’t really losing his best friend in the end.


End file.
